Reflection...3 years later.

Hi guys,

I'm doing this reflection to give feedback about the process after my weight loss. Let me emphasize, my results, failures and/or successes, are of my own. This does NOT mean you will get the same results.

I did this fast, somewhat out of desperation, I think. I was in a rut in my own relationship with my significant other...my self esteem was pretty low. I hated everything about me. I thought that weight loss would change everything in my world.

Eh.

The results were this:

1. I found it really hard to maintain the weight loss...I didn't prepare for the aftermath...like what would I eat? How much of it was okay?

2. When I stopped eating then restarted, everything tasted good...the healthy stuff and especially the BAD stuff. I guess when you let your taste-buds rest, it lets them recuperate. I couldn't believe what I was missing out on. I just wanted more of everything!

3. People are so happy to see you eat after all the torturous weeks of seeing you eat squat. So you're not going to see friends and family change what they serve you. Food in your face everywhere. I received a LOT of grief over my fasting. It sucked because I didn't get support for this whole fiasco.

4. Some will resent your weight loss. Some will be outright mean. My own mom thought I looked "bitchier" being skinner. Granted it wasn't even a big loss in the whole picture of things. I felt so sad because I thought my newfound confidence was shining through, instead I looked bitchy or stuck up. I should have thought "so what", but it mattered to me what my friends and family thought. I think unconsciously I gained my weight back because I wanted to make everyone happy.

5. I didn't learn anything healthy during my weight loss. Not eating got me away from the act, but I obsessed about food. The eating pains went away once I used to it, but I was fighting it the whole time.

6. I just realized I gained all my weight and another 20 pounds. I don't know if my body did this because it was physiologically going through changes (repercussions) or if my mind read all this in books and magazines and therefore I gained it and then some. Either way, I gained more than I originally weighed, although that was over a two year period...so I'm not sure.

7. I gave myself excuses to give up. Sad. I'm pretty sure this stems from more than what's on the surface. I also felt like I somewhat didn't deserve it. Now, on this date though, it's a whole different feeling.

So now what?

That's a good question.

I've gone through some dramatic changes. Not my body, other than gaining that extra 20 pounds...but something that I think is way better than this whole weight loss thing.

It's my mind.

You can't do anything about the body if your mind and soul cannot follow suit. Your body follows what the mind thinks is true. If you think you don't deserve to be skinny, it will be so. If you make excuses to remain over weight, it will be so.

My solution. Change the mind and the soul...then change the body. You must do this first before you can see anything change on your body.

For six months straight in 2013, I worked out like crazy. Did the whole gym rat thing. I lost maybe 10 pounds. It was the hardest 10 pound loss of my life. I hired a trainer, nothing. I take it back, I was sore. I hated it! I did this gym thing out of habit by the sixth month, I was so happy my brother couldn't take me to the gym anymore. I made excuses to not go and eventually stopped going all together. I gained those 10 pounds back.

But while doing that, I was on a journey learning about my mind...my soul. I was struggling with my thoughts for those months. Now it's been a year. I realized that my mind wasn't healthy. Not that I thought like a fat person, but because I thought of myself less deserving of a happy life. I didn't know how to say no to anybody, I sat miserable in giving in to people, including my kids. I pretended that it was okay to sacrifice myself for the sake of others.

Don't get me wrong, if this diet works for you, great. Maybe you're more strong-willed than you thought. For me, I already knew what the problem was, it's me. But it has nothing to do with willpower, it has to do with retraining the mind, conditioning it to be a resilient engine. Then everything will fall in it's place.

So I'm restarting a whole new blog. More like blogs because I can't see myself doing one without the other. And it doesn't make sense to put it all in one because it becomes too general. This is where this blog takes a bow out and if you want, follow me on my newest journey.

The following blogs have been created to meet certain goals:

LOA Co-creators - A blog I share with my brothers about the law of attraction. How to use it to obtain your desires, including weight loss. Hint-hint. This would be the mind part I'm talking to you about

Health blog - Yet to be named. I will also share this blog with my brothers. We all have different goals. I will talk about weight loss, one of my brothers will share his journey with weight gain and vegetarianism and my other brother I have yet to ask if he want to participate. His goal would most likely be about weight gain for those who have an extremely hard time gaining...I guess for the underweight.

The links to the side will guide you to my new blogs once they're up and running.

Thank you for sticking it out with me and reading my entries. I urge you to join me on the other side.

My Weight Progress So Far: Updated Every Day

This is the progress of my weight loss in pounds. I will be updating this daily.

Friday: Pre-Cleanse Day (This day isn't actually part of the cleanse): 222
Saturday:    Day 01: 222
Sunday:      Day 02: 220
Monday:     Day 03: 218
Tuesday:     Day 04: 218
Wednesday:Day 05: 216
Thursday    Day 06: 215
Friday         Day 07: 212
Saturday     Day 08: 211
Sunday       Day 09: 213
Monday      Day 10: 210
Tuesday      Day 11: 210
Wednesday:Day 12: 208 *Woohoo!!!
Thursday:   Day 13: 208
Friday:        Day 14: 206
Saturday:    Day 15: 206
Sunday:      Day 16: 205
Monday:     Day 17: 203
Tuesday:     Day 18: 203
Wednesday:Day 19: 202 ****Finally @ 20 pound loss****
Thursday:   Day 20: 199 ****OMG, I haven't been this weight for over 5 years!****
Friday:        Day 21: 197
Saturday:    Day 22: 196
Sunday:      Day 23: 196*Didn't drink enough fluids*
Monday:     Day 24: 195
Tuesday:     Day 25: 195
Wednesday:Day 26: 196
Thursday:   Day 27: 196
Friday:        Day 28: 196
Saturday:    Day 29: 194 *What a relief to finally see some movement
Sunday:      Day 30: 193
Monday:    Day 31: 192
Tuesday:     Day 32: 192
Wednesday:Day 33: 192
Thursday:    Day 34: 192
Friday:        Day 35: 192
Saturday:    Day 36: 190

Day 36 - 12/31/11 - This Is Getting Harder

Yesterday I almost quit this whole cleanse. I was feeling so nauseasous and sick, I had to nap throughout the day to stop from feeling so miserable. I've been feeling so awful and even jealous that everybody was eating junk. However, I did not stick food in my mouth. I drank more water but I guess it wasn't enough because my urine wasn't clear. I have to assume I'm quite dehydrated, which could explain my headaches.

This morning I woke up feeling so much better. And I lost 2 more pounds. So I guess that kind of make up for the horrible day.

Day 32 - 12/27/11 - Confessions :(

Everyday is getting harder and harder to do. I thought I'd be used to food constantly in my face. WRONG! I did manage to freeze Christmas food, to give me incentive that I could eventually eat that dish, although I probably wouldn't when the chance comes. It was just a nice visual to see in my freezer.

I however did do something very very bad. I ate a piece of chocolate. Not a whole bar, but a square of it. It was worth 70 calories but it was still a bad move on my part. I paid for it in a really bad stomach ache. I was in pain. My tooth was hurting as well. I felt so guilty afterwards, but it was sooooo good.

Why even mention this? To prove that I'm not perfect and had fell for temptations as well. I have to plan this better, I know. I'm only halfway through this cleanse.

I really miss eating, but seeing the results, keep me going.

Day 29 - My Body Measurements

I had a really difficult week due to the holidays. But at least I still have measurements to show improvements. They weren't as great a decrease but I'm still moving forward.

                                           Difference           Total Loss

Chest               44"               -1/2"                   -1"

Waist               39"                  -1"                   -4"

Hips                 45"                 -2"                    -6"

Upper Arms     14 1/2"             -1"                 -2 1/2"

Thighs              24"                  1/2"                 -2"

Calves              16 3/4"            -3/4"               -1 1/4"

Day 24 - 12/19/11 - A.M. Talks About Exercise

I woke up to at least a one pound weight loss, still a loss in my book. I know I gotta drink more fluids today because my urine was so dark, meaning I'm dehydrated. It could explain why I wasn't feeling good last night.

I hope to get the guts to try out my first exercise regimen. I'm not looking for to it actually, but I know I'll get used to it just like I am with this whole lemonade thing. They say 28 days makes it a habit. I'm formulating that it will be part of my lifestyle by the time I'm done with this whole cleansing thing. I really want to feel my best before my son's birthday, February 14. Which also happens to be Valentine's Day. I want to be able to fit into a nice dress by then. I never wear nice things because of how I feel I look in them and the literal size I have to buy, which by the way has the worst looking collection of dresses.

Anywho, here is to my first day of exercise! I'll catch in a P.M. blog about my results.

Day 23 - 12/19/11 - Dehydrated and My Wierd Dream

I went holiday shopping, nightmare for my cleanse/diet! I did bring my lemonade drink in a jug. Let me tell you, it was the heaviest thing I've ever lugged around in my bag. I kept getting nauseous and wanted to gag. Maybe it was because I wasn't drinking enough fluids or I could assume it was the reason why.

I went to bed early because of how sick I felt. I had a dream that night that I messed EVERYTHING up by gorging on food. I didn't care in my dream, I was just happy to eat! I woke up in the middle of that dream thinking that I really did that. To my relief it was just a dream. I really have to look up the meaning of that.

Okay out of curiosity, I looked it up and this is what it said:

To dream of eating: If you are currently dieting in your waking life, then the dream may serve to compensate for the sustenance that you are lacking.

PHEW! To think it was something more tragic...I guess it means I just miss food. And I need to nourish myself, maybe with more fluids? :)

Day 22 - 12/17/11 - Photos (I hate photos)

I want to share my body transformation. I know that it's hard to visualize what my body is going through unless I keep track of myself visually and via tape measurements. I hadn't taken pictures of myself for so long, I really hate to because of my weight. But this is a real journey and it serves as a self-reminder of what my real goals are. So here are my updated pics, I haven't taken any before...sorry about that. Next time I'll wear tighter clothes. I don't own any that fit me yet. Everything is loose because I wear things that hide my body. This is as tight as they get.

Day 22 - 12/17/11 - A.M Post

I've lost another pound. I went to sleep last night early because I felt sick. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I didn't drink enough water or if the water made me feel sick. My brother-in-law bought the house Sparkletts Purified Water. That stuff tastes so gross, there's an awful after taste. I asked my husband  if he could taste what I was tasting and he said he could taste something too. He assumed it was a chlorine taste to purify the water. I could hardly stand the taste, faucet water tasted way better than this stuff!

After going to bed early, I felt way more refreshed today. I noticed that others eating around me is starting to bother me a little bit. I think I miss eating food. Just the action of eating. It became so bad that I sat down while watching t.v. making a chewing movement. I couldn't stop. I think I'm going to have to start chewing some sugar free gum to get rid of that desire. I know I'm not supposed to but I'm feeling the effects of not eating. :(

However, I did notice that my face is very clear. I hardly break out. So I have to assume that my regular diet has something to do with my reoccurring breakouts of acne. It could be the soda or sugars. It could be meat or yeasts. I don't know. I know I'm lactose intolerant. There's so much to figure out.

Day 21 - 12/16/11

Last night I went through my exercise dvd's again and watched a couple of routines to see what can suit my needs. I haven't really exercised for way too many years, so I know I want to take it easy. I get easily winded down, so I definitely can't do cardio just yet.

I picked weight training over cardio for the simple fact that I don't have to run around getting discouraged and out of breath. With weights I can gain lean muscle and still lose weight. I do have to take into account that this might keep my actual weight stagnant, but I should see a big difference at weekly body measurements.

I'm still iffy about which training program.

My Body Measurements on 12/15/11

I'm currently 199 pounds. These are my measurements on my 20th day:

                                           Difference           Total Loss
Chest               44.5"               -1/2"                   -1/2"
Waist               40"                  -3"                      -3"
Hips                 47"                 -4"                      -4"
Upper Arms     15.5"              -1 1/2"               -1 1/2"
Thighs              25.5"             -1 1/2"                -1 1/2"
Calves              17.5"             -1/2"                   -1/2"

Drumroll please: In ONE WEEK I've lost 11" WITHOUT exercise.

I'm still planning on exercising. I've looked through my exercise dvd's to see what regimen is good for me.

Don't forget that everybody has their own body type. Mine happen to be hourglass in a large frame. I've always been large frame even at my skinniest in high school. Even at my small stature :(.

Day 20 - 12/15/11 Breaking My 200 Pound Mark!

I've never been so happy to see my weight BELOWWWWW 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years! I'm so amped up that I'm looking into an exercise regimen in the next couple of days.

I had gone on another photo shoot for a client and had no resources for water and what not. I prepared this time by drinking a lemonade drink right before leaving. I had to buy some bottled water and sugar free GUM. Yes, gum. I needed something to keep my breath at bay. I've noticed that my breath has become so horrible since I've started this whole thing. Brushing, flossing and gargling with mouthwash hasn't worked! I know there is mention about a white coated tongue in the Master Cleanse booklet, so I know it's considered "normal" during this process. I just haven't experienced the coating, although I have experienced the rancid breath that others have complained about. Sheesh.

My stats are astounding for myself. I can't wait until this 60 days are over, I've already told my family that I want to start shopping and cooking healthier. Go to fast food restaurants WAY less and cook more fish and vegetables. My husband agreed to my new shopping list. I'm quite ecstatic. :D

Day 18 - 12/13/11

I've been feeling lazy lately, not wanting to even drink the salt water or my juice. I'll be suffering the next day for it because I'm sure my weight won't move. I know I'll lose the weight, but the constant timing of everything is just a pain. Although I'm sure this is teaching me to eat every two to three hours. I think I understand how eating every two to three hours can keep you full. The juice does the same thing.

Nothing else to report here.

Day 17 - 12/12/11

I stepped on the scale and was pleased to see another drop in my weight: 203 pounds. I love immediate results! I know the salt water flush is dramatically becoming harder and harder to do. I couldn't finish the last quarter of a cup. I kept gagging and threw up the last gulp I was able to take. The taste of the salt is so potent. Even when I drank some water to clear the taste, it couldn't stop me from throwing up the last gulp of salt water. I drank so much water to get rid of the taste, my stomach felt full right away. I think that has a great deal with why I couldn't hold anymore salt water. I'll try lemons instead tomorrow. Hopefully that will work.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on listening to hypnosis tracks. I bought two sets of earphones, one for on the go listening and the other for home. I hate to wear earbud earphones for long periods of time, it starts to make my ear itch from it sitting in my ear canal too long. The hypnosis tracks I'm planning to listen to for the next two weeks are for exercise and weight setpoints. I chose an exercise track to help get my mindset to wanting exercise (I've been reviewing my exercise videos to watch a modified version of what I'm supposed to do.) The weight setpoint track is supposed to help me modify by bodies setpoint to a lower body weight. I truly believe hypnosis can help guide you to your desired state as long as you take action in addition to listening to the tracks consistently. 

Day 16 - 12/11/11 Unprepared Day 2

So continuing on to what happened yesterday. I didn't expect to have stayed overnight at my mom's house. I didn't get home until 6am. I didn't have any ingredients to make my lemonade drink. Whatever I had left in my container from yesterday had gone bad, I drank some of it and it tasted spoiled.

I literally went without any drinks except for water until I could get home. No saltwater flush done for the day and no lemonade drinks until I arrived at home. I couldn't even get on a scale UNTIL I went home. I have no idea why she does not own a scale, but I need to record consistency with weight on the same scale anyhow.

Unfortunately since I'm OBSESSED with this whole diet/fast thing, I was more concerned about getting home to my routine. My sense of smell was so heightened, I could literally smell my grandmother's bowl of soup 10 feet away. It was torture, my family makes the best home cooked food I've ever tasted. The stove was boiling with the most tastiest aroma. Not that I make awful food at home, I can't really smell my own cooking as strongly as I can others who cook. I wonder if that makes sense.

When I arrived home, I jumped on the scale. I felt relieved just to get on it. I immediately ran into the kitchen and made myself a lemonade drink and a batch of juice for the next day. I missed more than half of my drinks for the day, so I doubled up on the maple syrup to boost the calorie intake. I had my senna tea right before bedtime.

I realize that I could suffer greatly without a backup plan. I need to expect the unexpected. I think whenever I go out with family, I should pack a lemonade diet "survival kit". Excluding my scale of course, ALTHOUGH that would be nice :D I would just get all my ingredients in tupperware and bottles and put them in a small ice chest or lunch cooler. This way, I have the basics to tote with me wherever I go. I'll carry some unsqueezed lemons in a ziplock since the drinks seem to spoil if you can't refrigerate the juices.

I'd  say this was a very big reality check for me. I definitely don't want this happening to me again.

Day 15 - 12/10/11 Unprepared!

I already started off on the wrong path. I had my salt water flush about 2 hours later from when I usually do it. I made my lemonade drinks even more later than that (I don't know why I didn't prepare it the night before like I usually do).

As I was accomplishing things later than planned, I realized I didn't even drink my first lemonade drink. I was already disappointed at myself. But I got back on track (or so I thought). From 2pm I was drinking in regular intervals, but I didn't have much access to water. I could chug tons of water, so for the first time since I started, faucet water wasn't even available to me. I really need to think ahead next time, plan for the unplanned I guess.

Things progressed from bad to worse, when I went out with my mom to spend the evening at the casino (I'm not a gambler but I do enjoy it as entertainment every once in awhile). There was no way I could bring my "drinks" in with me and there weren't any water fountains even though I was provided complimentary water, it just wasn't enough. I was frustrated but that was my fault for not thinking ahead.

So the key phrases of the day is: THINK AHEAD - PREPARE AHEAD - ADAPT

Day 14 - 12/09/11

**Sigh**

Talk about an emotional day. I've been baking and cooking like crazy and trying to force my family to eat it - just so I can get jealous that they could eat everything I can't. I know it's pretty childish. I have to have more control. I woke up happy that I finally moved my weight down two notches.

I had to do some grocery shopping today. I felt detached to all the food, UNTIL I got home. There was some negativity here and there. A lot of self-talk. It seems that there is a pattern that nearing the evening, it would get easier for me. It's the daytime that gets to me. I'm not sure why.

I stopped checking the scale too often. The first couple of days I was checking every hour. I noticed that it fluctuated so much from hour to hour - it became exhausting. So I usually check my weight right after my first bathroom stop, but before my salt water flush (I retain the salt throughout the day). Then near the end of the evening...just to help remind me to drink more water. Otherwise, it would be a letdown.

I'm wondering if I should keep the adjusted formula I came up with for my lemonade or change it up a bit. Not that I want to accelerate my weight loss, although that WOULD be nice. I just want that salt out of my system.

Tomorrow will be my test, I'm going to be visiting family and taking my lemonade with me. Hopefully I can survive this whole ordeal. I know my family always cooks up my favorite dishes. Oh no, my favorite dishes! We'll see, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Day 13 - 12/08/11

Had to struggle today to make up for yesterdays stagnant weight. I chugged more water nearing the end of the day. I noticed that my urine was slightly darker today, until I started drinking more water. After that it lightened up.

I was more crankier today than other days. I think I'm really starting to miss food. But I made a statement out loud to my family that I'm doing this for my health. By saying it out loud, I was able to keep focused to my real goal. After all, I spent almost 2 weeks doing this, I must stay committed.

I'm still at 208, **sigh**